The Modern wife.

It is a myth that when a son gets married and a new daughter-in-law arrives in the family, everything changes. Some daughters-in-law are well trained and well mannered....They don't come to change the family, they are here to..............................................(READ ON!)

The new wife was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner. As expected she gave a speech thus;

New wife: My dear family, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family, firstly, my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine .No, I will never do that, never in a million years.

Mother-in-law: What do you mean my dear?

New wife: What I mean dad is (looking at her in-laws);

Those who used to wash the dishes must carry on washing them.

Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.

Those who cooked should not stop at my account, AND

Those who used to clean should continue cleaning!!!

Mother-in-law: And what are you here for?

New wife: AS FOR ME, I'M HERE JUST TO ENTERTAIN YOUR SON!!!!!

Bravo!

Thanks to Olaitan for this piece.

Ever been chased by a real Bad Dude?

An old fellow had been in the north woods for weeks by himself, camping out. Each night at dusk he built a campfire, boiled water for coffee, and took out his skillet to fry up some bacon for dinner. As he was sitting by the fire one night, the water boiling and the bacon sizzling, he heard a tremendous racket in the brush. The sound was like a roaring freight train, and as trees fell over and branches snapped, the biggest bear he’d ever seen lumbered into the clearing. On the bear’s back was a tough-looking hombre holding a seven-foot live rattlesnake in his hands.
The man shouted and screamed as he brought the bear to a skidding halt, bit the head off the rattlesnake, and flung it into the brush. Then he slid off the bear’s back, turned, and hit him between the eyes, knocking him unconscious. The camper was speechless as this wild-eyed renegade walked over to the fire, tossed the boiling coffee down his throat, drank the hot grease from the skillet, and ate all of the bacon in one bite. As he wiped his hands with poison ivy and slapped the bear back to consciousness, he turned to the camper and said, “Partner, I’m sorry I can’t stay around and visit with you a while, but I have got to keep moving ‘cause a real bad dude is chasing me!”

It’s good to have friends.

Since my return I’ve been bombarded with all sorts of mail, some of which are extremely funny and some just too hilarious for words. I guess my friend who’s been sending me jokes after jokes just want me to forget the gloom of the past weeks. Thanks for this friend, I had quite a laugh.
Hope you all enjoy it also.

Home For The Holidays!
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says,
"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this,
so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take
care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at
the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single
thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back,
and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a
thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what
do we tell them for Christmas?"

Last Confession
Jake was on his deathbed. His wife, Susan, was maintaining a vigil by
his side. As she held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying
roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move
slightly.
"My darling Susan," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said.

"Rest. Shhh. Don't talk." He was insistent.

"Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother."

"I know," she replied. "That's why I poisoned you."

Let's have some laughter.

Can’t help but try to lighten the mood of this blog a bit. Everyone needs a good laugh once in a while.

Here’s the story of three men who died and went to heaven. At heavens orientation ceremony, each of them were asked,
When you were in your casket and friends and family were mourning you, what would you have loved to hear them say about you?
The first man said, "I would have loved to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would have loved to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, " would have loved to hear them say... LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

A young vicar, who was so nervous at his first mass that he could hardly speak, asked a senior vicar’s advice on how he could relax. The senior vicar told him: "Next week it may help if you put some Vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips everything should go smoothly." The following Sunday the new vicar put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm and did just great. Upon returning to the rectory, he found the following message on a note from the senior vicar:

• Next time, sip rather than gulp.
• There are 10 commandments, not 12.
• There are 12 disciples not 10.
• David slew Goliath; he did not kick his ass.
• WE do not refer to our savior Jesus Christ and his apostles as "J.C. and the boys."
• Next week there is a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
• We do not refer to the cross as the "The Big T."
• The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook."
• The recommended Grace before meals is not "Rub-A-Dub, thanks for the grub, Yo God!"
• Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
• Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
• When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
• When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

Hope you got a good laugh!

Behold, I am coming soon.

This is just to spice up your day,enjoy it.

A young seminary student was to preach to a congregation as part of his practical exam.Upon mounting the rostrum he found out that his sermon notes were missing.He only recalled his topic, which says "Behold, I am coming soon". he kept repeating the topic as he searched through his bible for the notes. In a desperate bid, he knocked down the pulpit which then crashed on an old lady seated in the front row. When he apologised to her she said, "It is my fault because you warned me three times that you were coming soon".

In a prison hospital

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Here's a conversation that took place between a prisoner and a prison doctor.......

Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!

Doctor: Be patient. I am doing just that…one bit at a time.

History

There was once a hat-seller who passed by a forest. The weather was very hot and he decided to take a nap under one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the side.A few hours later, he woke up and realized that all his hats were gone.Then he heard some monkeys on top of the tree and he looked up. To his surprise, the tree was full of monkeys. They had taken all his hats!The hat-seller sits down and try to think of how he can get the hats down. He started to think and scratched his head. The next moment, he realized that the monkeys were doing the same thing.Next, he took down his own hat and fanned himself. The monkeys did exactly the same! An idea struck him - he took his hat and threw it on the floor. And the monkeys did the same too. Happily, he collected all his hats back.Fifty years later, his grandson also became a hat-seller and also got to hear the monkey story from his grandfather. One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest. Feeling very hot, he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor.Again, when he woke up, he realized that all his hats were gone. He looked up and found that the monkeys had taken all his hats. Remembering what his grandfather had told him, he started scratching his head and the monkeys followed.He took down his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed.Now, very convinced of his grandfather's idea, he threw his hat on the floor... but to his surprise, the monkeys still held on to all the hats!Then one bold monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor, and sneered ... "you think say na only you get grand-papa??"

Biological Father

Got this joke from a friend this morning,it's quite hilarious,you will enjoy it.

A happily married couple having their first baby, were invited to make use of a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pains to the Baby's biological father wherever he may be. Both were happy to try it. The pain transfer was set to 10 percent but the husband felt nothing. So the doctor increased it to 20 percent. The father said he still felt fine and his blood pressure was normal. He invited the doctor to kick it up to 50 percent. Still there was no reaction. The doctor was amazed and slowly transferred all the pain until the Wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband and the doctor were ecstatic. When they got home, the gardener was lying almost dead at the gate.

The gardener is indeed a bad man.

Some good news!

This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him;
"I have good news and bad news, which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer; I estimate that you have about two years left.
Patient: That's terrible! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?
Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.

Whistle To Warn Him

Jones was sitting with his wife behind a palm on a hotel veranda late one night when a young man and girl came and sat down on a bench near them. Hidden behind the palm, Mrs. Jones whispered to her husband, “Oh, John, he doesn’t know we’re here and he’s going to propose to her. Whistle to warn him.”
“What for?” said Jones, “Nobody whistled to warn me.”

NOAH AND THE NEW ARK

In the year 2004, The Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Canada, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard but no ark.

"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then Transport Canada and the Departments of Highways and Hydro demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power, trolley and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then Environment Canada ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.

To make matters worse, the Canada Customs and Revenue Agency seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?".

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
In the year 2004, The Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Canada, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard but no ark.

"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then Transport Canada and the Departments of Highways and Hydro demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power, trolley and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then Environment Canada ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.

To make matters worse, the Canada Customs and Revenue Agency seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?".

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

The story of Adam and Eve was being carefully explained in the children's Sunday school class. Following the story, the children were asked to draw some picture that would illustrate the story.Little Bobby was most interested and drew a picture of a car with three people in it. In the front seat, behind the wheel was a man and in the back seat, a man and a woman.The teacher was at a loss to understand how this illustrated the lesson of Adam and Eve. But little Bobby was prompt with his explanation. "Why, this is God driving Adam and Eve out of the garden!"

A pastor and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the pastor to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the pastor. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a pastor, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'

When God created woman he was working late on the 6th day
An angel came by and said: “Why spend so much time on that one?”

And the Lord answered:“Have you seen all the specifications I have to meet to shape her ?"
“She must be washable, but not made of plastic, have more than 200 moving parts which all must be replaceable and she must function on all kinds of food, she must be able to embrace several kids at the same time, give a hug that can heal anything from a bruised knee to a broken hearth and she must do all this with only two hands”.


The angel was impressed.

“Just two hands....impossible!“

And this is the standard model?!

“Too much work for one day....wait until tomorrow and then complete her“.

“I will not”, said the Lord. “I am so close to complete this creation, which will be the favourite of my heart”.

“She cures herself when sick and she can work 18 hours a day”.

The angel came nearer and touched the woman.

“But you have made her so soft, Lord” “She is soft", said the Lord, “But I have also made her strong. You can’t imagine what she can endure and overcome.“

“Can she think?" the angel asked.

The Lord answered:
“Not only can she think, she can reason and negotiate."

The angel touched the woman's cheek....
“Lord, it seems this creation is leaking! You have put too many burdens on her.”

“She is not leaking....it’s a tear” the lord corrected the angel

“What’s it for?" asked the angel.

And the Lord said:
“Tears are her way of expressing grief, her doubts, her love, her loneliness, her suffering and her pride.”

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This made a big impression on the angel; “Lord, you are genius.
You thought of everything. The woman is indeed marvellous!"

Indeed she is!
Woman has strength that amazes man. She can handle trouble and carry heavy burdens.
She holds happiness, love and opinions.
She smiles when feeling like screaming.
She sings when she feels like crying, cries when she is happy and laughs when she is afraid.

She fights for what she believes in.
Stand up against injustice.
She doesn’t take “no” for an answer, when she can see a better solution. She gives herself so her family can thrive. She takes her friend to the doctor if she is afraid.
Her love is unconditional.

She cries when her kids are victorious. She is happy when her friends do well.
She is glad when she hears of a birth or a wedding.

Her heart is broken when a next of kin or friend dies.
But she finds the strength to get on with life.

She knows that a kiss and a hug can heal a broken heart.
There is only one thing wrong with her
She forgets what she is worth...

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him, "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"
But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!?!"

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone with whom he could speak.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you
.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

She will praise you! She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
Of course the rest is history ... !
When you are cheap.......Heehee!